Sanctuary and Belonging
Philip here~I’m filling in for Lisa this week, and I have a question for you: Have you ever thought about your sense of belonging?
I have. I thought about it most intently when Lisa and I were getting married and turning our two households into one.
As Lisa’s children had been through their parents’ separation and divorce a few years before, we weren’t in a hurry to uproot them again, and so I packed and we planned, and Lisa and her children made room for me in their house as they had made room for me in their hearts.
Only a few months before this time, Lisa had started working with the concept of sanctuary, and we were both learning what differentiates a place of sanctuary from one that is not.
It won’t surprise you to hear that a sense of belonging is high on that list. One of the highest. And so we consciously fostered that sense here at our house for ourselves, for each other, and for the kids.
I knew, without a doubt, that I belonged here. The three of them made room for my music equipment, my computers, and although most of my furniture didn’t make the cut (one of the disadvantages of dating an interior designer), each was replaced by things finer and more lovely (one of the advantages of dating an interior designer).
All of this came freshly to mind a few months ago when I was reading The Extended Mind by Annie Murphy Paul.
I have always been fascinated with the science of sanctuary, and I found a bunch of it right in that book.
She examines “situational cognition,” when our thinking is augmented by the place we are in. She cites research that shows that intellectual performance is enhanced in spaces where:
We have a sense of personal control, and
We have a sense of belonging to that space.
This is sanctuary. This is what sanctuary does.
It turns out that spending time in our sanctuary not only increases our brain’s ability to perform. It also allows us to develop a greater degree of emotional intelligence. This means less panic and more equanimity. Less worry and more courage. Less insecurity and more vulnerability.
Brené Brown said, “Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”
Lisa and I just celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary. It’s been the best eleven years of my life, and every day I wake up thankful that I found the place where I belong.
With gratitude,
Philip